I don’t have children, but I’ve had the opportunity to witness how older kids seem to have a harder time forgiving/forgetting, always bringing the focus back to themselves. For me, a product of my childhood, I’m reminded of the first time I came to the realization that I was responsible for who I’ve become. I’m responsible for my own reactions — despite the FACT that I was abused as a child, a victim, a survivor. Yet, as disturbed as I was to learn that I had to be responsible for me, I intuitively knew this was my only hope to find a way out.
I still fight this responsibility deal to this day — I only want to be responsible for as much as will get me by. Sometimes I think it is a ‘woman’ thing, other times I think it is a ‘human’ thing — the desire to be taken care of. Even though I ALWAYS feel better, stronger, more centered within me, whenever I step up to the plate and ‘show up’ for me, yet my ego never seems to tire of kicking and screaming.
I know on one hand that I’ve made huge strides in moving through the resistance of being responsible for me (I’m not just talking about paying the bills here), but when I move to another level it’s as though I get pissed off all over again about having to chose me, my journey, my growth, over and over, again! But as a wise woman once told me — “You’re the one who reaps the benefits!”